Lack of access to a computer/the internet + the preference of typing entries rather than writing them for fear of their loss + a whole lotta shit happening these past few weeks = a bad combination.
I suppose I will begin with the most recent events and work my way back. Yesterday, I met up with Jewell at Pageant for a concert, which featured Alisdaire, Ghetto Prenup, Steve BeQuette and the 99Dealers, and Thos; Allison later joined us. An abridged sequence of events: arrived, admired the pretty boys with guitars and that drummer boi, got felt up, got implants, admired the pretty boi models of 99Dealers, contemplated asking that one black model chick for advice, met Scott and that other guy of Thos, went outside, Allison left, Jewell’s mom showed up, helped me out of the bra, then went back to her car as Jewell and I waited on my mom.
I planned on going to KC next weekend, but prior commitments to SLIP might prevent that. I am referring to “SBC Day,” which apparently is mandatory.
I watched Jim in Bold again, like around midnightish. I was just up and thinking of doing Economon (homework) as I felt energetic and restless, but then I grew tired and got back in bed.
Speaking of Economon, my IB interview was this past Friday. I was not expecting it, as I was under the impression that it was an interview with the parent(s). I feel as if I did horribly. Of course I was nervous, weirded out, whatever. Over the weekend I thought of stuff I wish I had said, stuff that was “there” but had not occurred to me to say. You could say it was one of those what if you could go back in time and do things differently sort of moments. Earlier today, a little voice reassured me that I did fine.
I have been asked what is up. More specifically, Kristine asked if I was mad at her, hate her, or something like that. The fact of the matter is none of the above, and that goes for everyone. If anything, I find that I am isolating myself. Why? It is like I am looking for something. This is going to be hard to explain, and even after I attempt to, it still won’t make sense. Awhile back, Candass and I walked. During that walk, we talked. Sometime during that walk, I mentioned that while at the time, Anh filled this void; however, something was still missing, and I was not sure what it was. It was like this other part of me was not there, like something had been removed…this overall/lingering feeling of emptiness. And no. This has nothing to do with the break-up; this “started” before. Overtime, I guess it has progressed, not necessarily for the better.
I told “my” therapist about this. I forget what she said. Maybe she said nothing, I do not remember. But nevertheless, just know that I do not hate you, I am not mad at you, I am not trying to avoid you (per se). Whoever you are. I am just trying to find that something.
I feel this is a bit ironic, because earlier I found myself trying to mend those broken connections with friends and the like. That has been postponed indefinately. Or you know, I just might surprise you. Whenever.
Since I mentioned the therapist… I am gay. See, see. I did not expect you to be shocked or anything. Why? I came out a year ago come June! The point of that was well, my mom has not “gotten used to it,” whatever that is supposed to mean. She admitted that she had a problem with “it” in session, not that it was not obvious. Our session ran over, and the therapist is booked until the 25th. She suggested that to ease the tension between my mom and I (we are not talking/on the best of terms–at all), we should avoid any topics pertaining to homosexuality. Of course I have a problem with this; essentially I am not to be gay for the next week! And keep in mind this happened a week ago. My mom broke that “agreement” when I returned her phone to her after talking to Jewell and she asked “so how is he doing,” so as to imply I was talking to a guy (read: boyfriend).